(This article was originally posted on The Voice Nook on Substack.)

“Can you please just tell me what to do?”

I hear some version of this question all the time.

And I get it. I do. Sometimes we all just want someone else, who seems to know what they’re doing, to give us some quick and simple goddamn steps we can follow so our problem will go away.

If you’re looking to me to provide these steps…well, uh…I could give you some steps. But also, I can’t give you the steps.

Why?

Well, uh…the problem is that any approach developed by someone else has emerged from their world view, their experiences, and their conditions.

I could give you my framework, but it has evolved by and for me.
It will not fit you exactly. Nor should it.

I could offer you my complete map.
But my map cannot create certainty for you. (It also cannot create certainty for me, but this is for a separate post.)

And I cannot make a complete map for you.
Your map belongs to you. You have full ownership of, responsibility for, and authority over it. And you are the only person in the right position to make it.

Other people’s expertise, systems, and approaches can absolutely help us. I pull on all sorts of outside concepts both when working with clients and in my own life. I use the parts I find helpful, and I don’t give any one of them any authority over me or how I show up. I treat them as resources, not instructions.

And I trust you to do the same with anything I offer here.

I can share my perspective. I can tell you what I’ve noticed. I can offer tools, frameworks, questions, and things you might try. What I can’t do is tell you which of those things is right for you.

Because like, for example, if I were to default to a prescriptive approach and say to you…

• Here’s what I think you’re experiencing.

• Here’s why I think that.

• Here’s what I think you should do.

• Here’s what I think is the right outcome.

…and you simply follow my steps, then maybe you become very good at following my steps. And maybe you create some good results. And maybe you feel more confident. And maybe there is some success and satisfaction in that. And then maybe after some time it stops working.

Well then…now what?

Have you become any better at noticing yourself for yourself?
Or interpreting your own experiences?
Or tolerating the discomfort of I don’t know yet?
Or trying something without knowing whether it’s right?
Or recognizing when something isn’t working and changing course without needing permission?
Or deciding what matters to you?
Or trusting a conclusion you reached yourself…

This is what I’m protecting by not creating and sharing something like Sam’s Five Simple Steps to Owning Your Life™. I’m not saying I’ll never make another list. We all know how much I love lists. I’m just not willing to pretend that putting something into a list gives it any authority over you. And also, just because a list exists doesn’t mean following it is going to get you where you’re trying to go.

Also…I feel like it would be disrespectful to you, to me, and to the work to pretend any of this is quick or simple. Knowing yourself better, learning to trust yourself, and making deliberate choices about how you want to show up in the world requires quite a bit of effort. There is no framework that removes the fact that this is a lift. A big part of the work is deciding you want to do the work.

My job is to help you develop the courage and capacity to know yourself…and to trust yourself enough to navigate the uncertainty you’ll face along the way.

Often, the most useful thing I can do is guide you back toward yourself by asking:

• What is it you’re experiencing?

• Why do you think that is?

• What do you believe is the best course of action?

• How will you know if it’s working?

Here in Substack land, rather than offer one-size-fits-all answers or step-by-step maps, I try to model and explore some of the practices that can help us build the awareness we need in order to claim ownership of, responsibility for, and authority over how we show up. Things like curiosity, vulnerability, courage, claiming and naming, sitting in the discomfort of incompleteness or ambiguity, and allowing for imperfection.

In the collaborative environment of my 1:1 coaching sessions, I am much more likely to offer ideas for potential next steps when a client asks. That’s because through our ongoing discussion, there is more space for nuance and context, as well as the safety needed to share information and explore ideas without the pressure of having to get anything right. I may call attention to doors or roads that are available to explore that the client can’t quite see yet. The client decides if any of them seem worth pursuing.

What I offer are perspectives, tools, ideas, approaches, and a safe place to explore and build your own map…and, through the process, develop confidence and trust in yourself.

The work itself, including deciding the next steps…that’s an inside job.

That doesn’t mean doing it alone. It doesn’t mean not seeking help or support.

Rather, it means remembering where the responsibility and authority over your life live…and what the support is for, and who it is for.

My part is to ensure that whatever help I provide leaves you more capable to do your own life in your own way.

And anyway, doesn’t that sound more fun?❤️

I am a farmer. 👩🏼‍🌾