We’ve all experienced our voice failing to come out the way we needed it to in a critical moment.

Maybe it was that time you needed to present your findings to the entire team, ask for a raise, tell someone “no”, or have a difficult conversation with a loved one. You knew what you wanted to say, but when you opened your mouth to speak, something went sideways and it didn’t sound strong, or worse, it didn’t sound like you.

Here’s the weird thing:

It’s actually a good thing when your voice won’t come out the way you want it to when you need it to.

I know that sounds bonkers, but please give me a chance here…

The sound of your voice, along with what you say and how you say it, are key identifiers of who you are.

When we hear someone speak, we instantly gather a wealth of information—such as their age, culture, gender, confidence level, culture, and experience, to name just a few. And whether we intend to or not, we also make snap judgments and assumptions about each other, influenced by deeply embedded cultural norms around each piece of information we receive.

Because of this, your voice acts somewhat like a door: when you open it to let the sound out, you also create a space for others to enter and witness many parts of yourself. Naturally, and quite reasonably, this can feel pretty vulnerable—If I let them hear me and see me, what will they think or assume? What might happen to me?

If speaking up in a particular situation feels scary—or even just a tiny bit off or misaligned—your voice may shut down. Just like fire doors closing when an alarm sounds, your voice will seek to protect you on one side while keeping the discomfort, fear, or danger on the other.

This built-in protective mechanism is hardwired into all of us from birth. You might experience this as physical symptoms—such as loss of voice, inability to project, tightness in the throat, shortness of breath, or a racing heart. Alternatively, it may show up as communication challenges—such as struggling to find the right words, feeling unable to speak your truth, saying “um” excessively, mumbling, or even stuttering.

All that is to say, if your voice isn’t functioning the way you want it to when you need it most—no worries! This is super normal, and in essence, it’s a feature, not a bug.

Now, even though this mechanism is completely normal and ultimately trying to help you, the tripwire on this mechanism can become oversensitive or overgeneralized, ultimately causing real challenges when you genuinely want or need to express yourself.

🗝️ The hidden key to unlocking your best voice: reset your tripwire.

Ugh, Sam, what does that even mean?

👉 It means you have to do a deep dive into yourself, figure out what the f—k is freaking you out, and then become best friends with it.

That’s a bit oversimplified, but it’s pretty close.

To truly unlock your best voice, you need to get to know yourself deeply—becoming aware of the patterns, beliefs, and behaviors—both conscious and unconscious—that trigger your alarm and slam the door, so they no longer run on autopilot. This expanded self-awareness puts you back in control of all your life choices and daily interactions—including how your voice sounds and how effectively you communicate in any situation.

Here are 5 ways to reset your tripwire and bring more conscious self-awareness to your voice and communication style:

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1. Inner Work / Shadow Work

Throughout our lives, we all pick up patterns, beliefs, behaviors, biases, conditioned tendencies, survival strategies, and personality traits that directly influence our daily lives. Moreover, we are very frequently unaware of these parts of ourselves and how much they impact—or interfere with—our daily interactions.

The process of getting to know these parts of ourselves is often called Shadow Work because it involves calling attention to those parts of ourselves that are unknown to us or operating ‘in the shadows’.

By understanding how these elements have been driving, we gain more choice and agency over how much power we give them. It’s like turning off the autopilot and taking the steering wheel.

When we are clearer about who we are, we feel safer and more confident, which allows us to speak more freely and easily.

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2. Become Awake to the Conditions You Live In

We live in an incredibly complex and interconnected world, and we are molded by the circumstances we find ourselves in. As explained by Staci K. Haines in her book The Politics of Trauma, we all live within several overlapping Sites of Shaping. She writes:

“We are shaped by many layers of our experience from the genetic and uniquely personal to social norms that shape millions of people, including you and me.”

Sites of shaping include:

• Our individual nature

• Family and friend network, and workplace environments

• Community—physical location, race, culture, hobbies, religion, gender identity, and more

• Institutions—both private and public—including governments, corporations, religious bodies, financial institutions, agriculture, criminal, media, technology, energy, and more

• Social norms and historical forces that define who or what is considered normal, valid, or good.

• Spirit and landscape—the forces that are “beyond human”—such as the environment, climate, weather patterns, and the larger seen and unseen forces that influence us in ways we may not fully understand.

As with shadow work, becoming awake to the conditions that have molded us—and continue to mold us—is key to reclaiming our agency. From here, we can identify what no longer serves us and decide to stretch our autonomy and confidence. This may mean leaving these sites, transforming them, or finding new ways to work within them.

Taking ownership of our shaping in this way is a key step in Owning Our Voice.

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3. Define Your Values

Whenever a client tells me that their voice won’t come out in meetings, I always ask: “Do you like your job?”

Even the slightest misalignment of purpose or values will have a huge impact on the quality of our communication and our ability to speak clearly and project our voices. And this makes total sense. Since your voice is the door to your identity, your alarm bell is definitely going to start ringing if you are about to say something you are not fully aligned with.

To ensure you are living and working in alignment with your values and personal integrity, start by asking yourself questions like:

• What do I value?

• What kind of person do I want to be?

• Is what I am doing or saying in alignment with my truth?

• What am I a commitment to?

• To what a I a definite “no”?

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4. Get Curious

Question everything. Look at a situation, then consider its opposite.

For example, if your voice won’t come out because you are afraid of conflict, you can ask yourself questions like

• Is this really a conflict, or am I simply uncomfortable?

• Does this need to be a conflict, or could it be a difficult but generative conversation?

• If it is conflict, what exactly am I afraid of? Do I need to be afraid? What if I weren’t?

• Could this conflict lead to a positive outcome? A negative outcome?

• What might be the benefit of staying silent? What are the drawbacks of staying silent?

Another way to get curious if your voice won’t come out: ask yourself:

• What are the conditions of this moment? Who is involved? Where is it happening? What’s at stake? How does this topic align with my knowledge, experience, or authority? What else could be tripping my alarm right now?

When possible, try to get curious in the moment. However, if you don’t have the bandwidth to do this in real-time, it’s also helpful to set aside some time to reflect afterward and take the learnings forward with you.

As you practice curiosity, you’ll continuously gain more insight into what’s causing your voice to glitch, and you’ll also have more awareness of—and access to—the communication tools you need to navigate the moment.

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5. Act With Intention

You may have noticed two key themes throughout this list: self-awareness and choice. Nothing makes a voice clearer and stronger than actively choosing, moment by moment, how you show up in the world.

Our lives are filled with endless numbers of people and situations that push and pull us in every direction, making us question who we are, what we are worth, and what’s ok to say or not say.

Taking full responsibility for what we let influence us, what we engage with, what we want to practice in our lives, and how we want to transform ourselves and the world around us—that’s the ultimate communication flex.

This is how you truly Own Your Voice.

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What are your thoughts?

So…I left vocal technique and communication skills off this list because, while they are both vital elements of a strong voice and confident communication style, they work best when woven together with a deeper, broader understanding of yourself and how you move through the world around you.

If you truly want to Own Your Voice, you’ve got to go deeper than just the tactical stuff. Sorry, not sorry. 😬

So…what tends to trip your alarm and prevent you from speaking up clearly and confidently? When reading the list above, what stood out to you most?

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and answer any questions. Reply directly to this email, or leave a comment on this post. If you’d like to explore how coaching can help you own your voice, feel free to book a call here. If you’d just like to chat, book a call here.