Story time.

When I was a freshman in high school, I went to cheerleading tryouts. I had been a cheerleader all through middle school and, like a lot of American girls at that age, I thought there could be nothing cooler than cheering for the high school football team. [Cue 1992 Boston accent] Like, being a vahsity cheehleadah would be wicked cool. Nothing could be coolah.

Anyway…

During the first day of tryouts, in between learning and performing the routines, I would sit on a folding chair, observing everyone else and not really saying much. I was painfully shy and quite nervous, and, like, every single Cool Girl from the entire school was there. So, I was totally focused on executing the routines well and generally trying not to embarrass myself.

The next day, another freshman girl, who was already on the squad and had been at the tryouts, came up to me. I believe it’s possible she was approaching me in the spirit of kindness, although her tone betrayed more than a small amount of condescension.

“You should know that the other girls on the squad think that you’re, like, a total snob,” she said.

Whoa, what.

“They think I’m a snob?” I replied. “Why?!”

“Because you weren’t talking to anybody at tryouts”, she replied.

I absolutely could not believe it. They thought that I was a snob for not speaking when in reality, I was just insanely intimidated. Woooooooow. Just wow.

I definitely felt heartbroken. But more than that, I felt a deep sense of anger and indignation. Interestingly, I didn’t feel the need to placate or please these girls, or go to the next tryout and try to fix things by talking to everyone.

At 14 years old, I didn’t have the language for it, but ultimately, I felt that if they were so quick to judge me without trying to understand who I really was, then I just simply didn’t need them. I wasn’t interested in being on a team with people like that.

A switch flipped inside of me, and I instantly decided that my cheerleading days were over.

Soon after, some other girls approached me about joining the track team with them. Our school didn’t have a girls’ track team at the time, but these ladies had figured out that if we could generate enough interest, the school would sanction the team and get us a coach.

I literally did not even know what track and field was, but something about these girls felt safe and inviting so I decided to check it out.

I walked into the gym, immediately saw the high jump bar and mats, and asked, “What’s that?” and never looked back.

At first, we practiced with the boys. Nobody seemed to mind that we were there. In fact, they took us under their wings and taught us the different events. Within a few weeks, we officially had a girls’ track and field team, complete with a coach and meets scheduled for the spring season.

Over the next four years, among other accomplishments, I went on to earn 11 varsity letters, multiple MVP awards, was named captain, and became one of the best high jumpers in our conference.

I wasn’t really sure why these memories were emerging today. But I always follow my intuition when I’m writing and let the lessons appear as the process unfolds.

Throughout the course of writing this, I’ve realized that the main takeaway here is: you don’t have to stay in spaces where you don’t feel welcome.

You don’t have to remain around people who would rather make assumptions about you than get curious about you. You don’t need to conform to be accepted by people who don’t seem to want to like you. And you don’t need to absorb anyone else’s projections or condescension toward you as part of who you are.

It’s curious to me that those girls had decided that I was a snob. Why that particular word? Why that particular sentiment? Why that particular assumption? Why the instant negativity instead of a little empathy or curiosity? Their choice says much more about them than it says about me.

At the end of the day, though, it doesn’t matter what they thought about me or why.

Your power lies in choosing you. And when you choose you, all kinds of success arises.

I want to be extra thoughtful here, though, as I write about this against the backdrop of our current cultural climate where division is continuously growing and widening.

Let me be clear: sometimes it’s absolutely crucial to stay and stand up for yourself and your beliefs and try to change people’s minds. Learning how to navigate friction, conflict, and disagreement is an art and a skill, and we need more people practicing these things.

At the same time, if there is evidence to suggest—or your intuition tells you—that the other party is unwilling to listen, or won’t connect with compassion, or is unavailable to meet you in the process of co-creating a welcoming environment for everyone involved, then maybe your energy is better spent elsewhere.

I did not feel welcome with the cheerleaders. I did not sense that explaining my shyness would have made a difference.

So I walked away.

However, I felt incredibly welcome on the track team.

For the record, track and field is perfect for introverts and shy people. You get to be on a team and work toward a common goal, with constant camaraderie, encouragement, and support. Simultaneously, you spend most of your time working independently on becoming the best version of yourself for your specific event. Not only were the boys, girls, and coaches friendly and welcoming, the very structure and nature of the sport was also well aligned with what I needed at that time.

At first, our team was tiny. We lost meet after meet after meet, mostly because we just didn’t have the numbers. Despite suffering a lot of losses as a team, many of us won or placed in our individual events. Week after week, our small victories were being shared on the morning announcements over the CCTV, and more girls were inspired to join us. Soon, we grew to 30+ strong. And we won. And we won again. And we won again.

And guess what? A few cheerleaders even joined the track team.

And guess what else? We were lucky to have them.

Maybe you noticed, or maybe you didn’t, that I haven’t shared a post in almost 3 weeks. Like many folks, I’ve been a bit stunned and struggling to figure out what to say.

One topic that repeatedly keeps coming up in conversations with clients, colleagues, and friends is “What do I do? How do I combat all this negativity?”

Honestly, you can’t. It’s too big. It’s too high up.

However, you don’t have to spend your days feeling unwelcome, afraid, or powerless.

Instead, you can find the right people, places, and structures that bring out the best in you. You can be more of the thing you want to see in the world, and you can join forces with others who want to do the same. Together, you can grow your ranks, and support each other as a team while you each work to become the best versions of yourselves, leading within your own spheres of influence.

Though we may lose the first few rounds, our small victories are noticed. And celebrated. And they inspire others. And we become bigger than the other thing. And those over there start to join us over here.

And this is how we change the world.